Since the first time I went into anaphylaxis, I've been slightly paranoid sometimes about whether a prickling in my throat is allergies or just placebo from being worried. Adopting a positive mindset everyday and trying to come to terms with the fact that whatever happens, happens has helped a lot but with the reaction this week I've been so shaken physically and mentally. It's not that often I'm open about mental health or my most inner thoughts online but I feel like perhaps writing this post will help me to deal with the anxieties that this week has bestowed upon me, bury it all and move the hell onnnnnn.
So firstly, I'm not being a drama queen (promise), I'm not looking for pity or attention- this is mainly as an outlet or reassurance for me, and for anyone else who might be feeling the anxious after a similar experience!
I will explain briefly how I felt as everything was going on! I felt like that was it, like I was going to die. My vision went green and sparkly and my throat closed up- it felt like I was about to pass out for five minutes straight (or however long it was). I've never been so terrified in my life, seriously put me in The Shining or Insidious and I'd have fared better panic-wise. So with that being said, here are a few thoughts I've had since.
Life is too short.
I mouthed 'I love you' to Alex who rode in the ambulance with me because I wanted him to know that, and I know that sounds so terribly dramatic but you really never know when you're going to go and you should always let your loved ones know that you love them. Tell them everyday, make them feel it!
I'll never take anything for granted!
The antibiotic was prescribed for a kidney infection (excruciating) and on top of that I had period pains which returned once I was out of hospital, but I've never been so grateful to be in pain! That also sounds ridiculous but really, a little physical pain is a small price to pay for enough time on Earth to explore it's hidden gems.
Let's stop wasting time.
Your time is just that, YOUR time. You don't owe it to a boring job or your mean manager. If you hate where you are in your life right now then change it. Save up, move away, find a new job, discover a new hobby, write that book! Don't waste your precious time on things that don't really matter or make you happy.
It's going to be okay again.
Albeit the niggling anxiety of 'am I allergic to this? and this? and this?' I cannot go through life wrapped in bubble wrap (mmm, as comfortable as that would be) and must get on with things. My mum always says 'Do it scared' and it's something I've adopted into my life the past few days which is definitely helping with getting over the fear of going through all of this again. Convince yourself that it's all going to be okay, and there's a 99% chance you'll be right!
People's opinions don't matter.
Linking in to the 'your time' part, what you do with your life, if it doesn't hurt anybody else, is nobody else's business. Enjoy your time on Earth and soak up every rainy day or soggy opinion in all it's glory. People's opinions shouldn't matter to you, do what you love and love what you do.
About loving unconditionally.
Forgive people for what they've done to you and apologise for what you've done to them. Bury petty feuds and at least try to make up old friendships before cutting ties because at the end of the day, when one of you is gone, one of you is going to feel guilty and terrible. There's nothing in this world worth a life filled with hate so build a bridge and get over it, or both leave it alone.
Cheers to good health.
Thank goodness that I'm in as good health as I am right now because if I hadn't been keeping up with my asthma medication, or had a terrible diet and my organs were secretly suffering who knows how easy it would've been to recover! Always look after yourself, do what feels good.
Wow, I have too much stuff.
Of course, it's okay to have things that make you happy but again, you can't take all of these belongings with you when you die. I returned home after a stay in the hospital and saw how messy my room was and realised how much I needed to declutter again, how sad it'd be for someone else to throw all of that stuff away (which I didn't really care about). Life is about living, not buying! Create memories, enjoy new experiences and make connections with people! Focus more on what matters. (This isn't to say throw away all of your belongings. As long as the value of your life isn't solely the value of your possessions it's all okay).
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I also want to mention that a lady passed away in my room while I was in the hospital. It was so sad and to realise first hand that there's such a thin line between living and dying was difficult, but somehow something I already knew deep down! It really put things into perspective. Everything I want, everything I have already and everything I'm forever saying 'I'll do tomorrow' that may never get done if I keep postponing.
I hope this post was interesting to you, sorry if it's a little depressing despite the positive message underneath! Honestly I feel so much more relieved for writing it already. With all that said, I'll be taking another week to recuperate, deal with university work and spend time with family. Hope everyone is well and had a lovely Easter!
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